Since March 23rd 2009

Credits

Icon: LJ/sixthmile
Layout: tuesdaynight
Inspiration: DayBefore!Misery

A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared."I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double."
The salesman thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But your rival has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.
"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said.Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"
"Well," said the salesman, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

===================================================================

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.""I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample.""I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.""I can't do that, officer.""Why not?""Because I'm too drunk to do that."

===================================================================

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

===================================================================

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

===================================================================

Top 10 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over:

-I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
-Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
-Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
-Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
-I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
-What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
-Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
-I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
-I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
-Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
-Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Ah ha.. This one cracked some people up when I told them over the phone. Wahahaha.

===================================================================

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"
The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

===================================================================

A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprized to find they owe $3000.
"How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed."So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up.""But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple."If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply.
"In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man."What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!""If you didn't use - that's your problem!"

===================================================================

Haha.. Enjoy the jokes all, I'm off to play some game now. Only problem is that I'm totally stumped at what to play. LoLx. Until next time then folks. Cya soon :)

A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared."I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double."
The salesman thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But your rival has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.
"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said.Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"
"Well," said the salesman, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

===================================================================

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.""I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample.""I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.""I can't do that, officer.""Why not?""Because I'm too drunk to do that."

===================================================================

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

===================================================================

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

===================================================================

Top 10 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over:

-I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
-Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
-Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
-Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
-I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
-What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
-Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
-I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
-I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
-Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
-Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Ah ha.. This one cracked some people up when I told them over the phone. Wahahaha.

===================================================================

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"
The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

===================================================================

A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprized to find they owe $3000.
"How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed."So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up.""But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple."If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply.
"In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man."What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!""If you didn't use - that's your problem!"

===================================================================

Haha.. Enjoy the jokes all, I'm off to play some game now. Only problem is that I'm totally stumped at what to play. LoLx. Until next time then folks. Cya soon :)